Pirate VP
We initally wished to draft one Whitey Backwell to run for president (or VP). This page is an archive of that attempt, saved here for posterity.
About Whitey Blackwell, the “Prep-School Pirate”
Chml Srucnoc’s running mate is none other than the notorious “Prep-School Pirate” Whitey Blackwell. Blackwell learned his love for the sea whilst sailing for the venerable Scranton Preparatory Academy but after being thrown out his junior year for “lying, cheating, stealing and other behaviors incongruent with the Scranton Prep Code” he evaluated his skill set and determined that Piracy was his path to fame and fortune.
When Chml Srucnoc first met Whitey, he was on the Island of Trinadad planning to try his hand with Charlottesville Apartments. Blackwell was claiming to be a modern day Buccaneer (only without the esprit de corps typically characterizing the group) He was a bit of a cross between Boysie Singh and Henry Morgan.
Blackwell soon discovered that there was little gain to be had by western-hemisphere piracy. That and a newfound love for speedboats led him to the coast of Madagascar in West Africa. He became an enormously successful pirate in the late 80s through the mid-1990’s amassing great wealth and building the resume that will help him serve our great nation proudly. He developed leadership skills, “convincing” fellow pirates to join his crew and unite around the cause of wealth accumulation. He cultivated relationships with dictators and other heads of state around Africa, the Middle East and beyond. He once dined with none other than His Excellency President for Life Field Marshal Al Hadji Dr. Idi Amin.
By 1996 Blackwell had acquired great fame and fortune in Sub-Saharan Africa and beyond. After taking the cruise ship “Allybabba” he found, in the words of Forest Gump, “…we don’t have to worry about money no more. And I said, that’s good! One less thing.” Blackwell longed for home. He longed to enjoy his wealth in Southern California the way other self-respecting near-billionaires now did, so he headed for home.
After a controversial pardon from outgoing President Bill Clinton, Blackwell had his slate wiped clean… he moved to LA and quickly took center stage in the robust social scene there. But as they say, you can take the boy away from the piracy, but you can’t take the piracy out of the boy. One night in Vegas, after losing a hand to whom he claimed to be a corrupt blackjack dealer, Blackwell started a brawl the likes of which Nevada had never seen. People were swinging from chandeliers, shooting one another with potato guns and and bottle rockets and generally have a grand old time. In the drunken uproar that followed, employees of The Oasis, declared “Pirate Blackwell” the new captain of the casino.
The next day, Blackwell purchased the casino from RDL Industries and as owner, amazingly excaped the ordeal without charges of any kind (outsiders suspect his West African experience with corrupt officials may have helped him in this cause). Since that time, Blackwell has resided in Las Vegas, Nevada where he ran into Chml Srucnoc at a May campaign rally. After a sizable campaign donation, Srucnoc promptly announced that Blackwell would be his running mate. Aids strongly advised against this move, but Srucnoc liked the sound of “The Pirate President” and declined to downplay Blackwell’s “less than savory” past. Blackwell’s key campaign issue thus far has been improving Pirate / Ninja relations, particularly in the tense southeast.